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If You Actually Want to Marry A Burrito, Diana Jared Will Officiate

Portland’s hot new summer activity: Marrying inanimate objects

People are trash, so why not spend the rest of your life with what you really love? Illustrator and comedian Jenny Vu has started marrying Portlanders to things like heads of garlic and packets of Taco Bell hot sauce as the fictional officiant Diana Jared, Portland Mercury reports. Jared recently threw a wedding free-for-all under the Hawthorne Bridge, which Suzette Smith describes below:

I found Diana Jared under the Hawthorne Bridge at PDX Pop Now, where she was wedding a man to a head of garlic. He was attempting to slide a ring over the garlic bulb’s dried stalk. Jared cautioned him to be gentle. “There’s no rush in love,” she said in a Southern drawl.

On a folding table next to a large portrait of herself, pointing to the heavens, Jared had arranged an assortment of items: chalky pastel dinner mints, Jordan Almonds, a large bottle of extra dry Cooks champagne, an informational binder, and a sign that read: “Diana Jared, Licensed Ordained Minister, I will marry anyone to anything.”

This is good news for people like Portland’s Mike Schneider, who recently got engaged to a boyfriend made out of wine boxes. The Oregonian reports Schneider’s relationship with Franz went public on Instagram this February, which was quickly picked up by Vice. The two are currently picking a venue, but when it comes to the ceremony, Schneider ought to give Jared a call.

Diana Jared [Instagram]
Michael Schneider [Instagram]
Illustrator, Cartoonist, Graphic Designer, Comedy Writer, Fake Wedding Facilitator Jenny Vu [Merc]
Portland man gets engaged to boyfriend he made out of trash [The O]
No Man Can Compare to This Boyfriend Made of Boxed Wine [Vice]

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